This fourth article is about getting the key aspects of your online dating profile right, especially describing what's vital in your life. Then, any guy who reads your profile will understand those areas in which you will not compromise, because vital means just that.
Children
What about children - do you want them, maybe you are already a parent? There are probably drop-down boxes in the site's profile set-up screen for this, but you may want to say more. For example the man will have to enjoy taking a parental role (and you may have his children round for sleepovers). You could phrase it like this: "until they leave home my children will be central in my life and ideally I want to meet a guy who is closely involved with children of his own, understands and enjoys the challenges of parenthood'.
Your Friends and Social Activities
Are you a homelover, or are you out meeting people and socialising most nights? Are your girlfriends round every night? Again, finding someone compatible with that lifestyle is important; after all, how would you feel if your man was out at a bar or football game on several nights a week? Maybe it would suit you, maybe not - some couples have entirely separate social lives - but would it suit you (or him)?
Politics
Perhaps you are involved in town politics or an action group - these tend to be driven from deep within the person - then it will be important that you highlight that aspect of yourself. If you are at meetings a couple of nights a week then you need to make that clear in your profile.
Whilst we are on the topic of politics, remember that many couples of different politics can co-exist quite happily, and there are some people who have to be with a partner having a similar political outlook and set of values. If you are one of those people to whom politics is an essential part of life, then you need to say so clearly.
Pets
Some people just do not want to live in a house with pets (especially cats or dogs) and there can be good reasons for this - for example, allergies. So, if keeping your pet is not negotiable then you need to say so in your profile.
Career and Relocation
You may have a very demanding job or career, but how will it be if the new man in your life is in the Navy (say) and away for 8 months of the year? This is certainly an area to explore very early on. Certainly, if you are in such a career yourself then you do need to make that clear in your online profile.
If someone works elsewhere in the country, would you be prepared to move - maybe the kids are in school and you don't want to move? Most dating agencies ask about geographical range so that they can match people appropriately, but there are few people who really want to enter into a relationship with somebody who lives on another continent!
Finally
The principle behind disclosing the 'vitals' in your life is that you don't want to meet and fall for someone and then find that there is a major problem caused by one of the above (or other 'vitals'). This approach will help you filter out the unsuitable guys in advance.
(c) 2010 Phil Marks
Are you looking for an agency aimed at people wanting to meet verified mature people, and with a seriously large number of members? More members = more choice which means you can be very specific! You can sign up for free at ==> www.mymatchmature.com . Over 20 years combined mature online dating experience from Phil and his friends, male and female.
Showing posts with label online dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label online dating. Show all posts
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Monday, 15 February 2010
5 Tips for Spotting Online Dating Cheats
There is no question that with the availability of online dating, the amount of dating has increased way beyond what was usual in earlier days. Distances are shortened and the sheer range of potential partners is there before your eyes. So, people meet more potential partners before settling.
Now, as in most things, there are people around who are less than honest and can be seen to be dating cheats. By ‘cheats’ I mean people who describe a false history about themselves, claim to be single when they are not, and so on. They have rehearsed their stories well and, like many cheats, can be very credible.
I have some great friends who I have met through online dating and their experiences, together with my own, have enabled me to put together these tips. Patterns emerge, and cheating individuals may become known in the dating community. The very best cheats though are very credible and can bluff the best of us. I have friends who have been ‘conned’ for many months by serial cheats.
OK, so what about the tips for spotting these characters?
None of these hold true in all cases, and of course you cannot easily tell if a genuinely single person is not interested in a long term relationship unless they say so (and assuming that is what you also want).
Tip #1 – Telephone Talk – Phone Numbers
You have gone past the initial exchange of emails and arrange to start talking on the phone. From a male perspective, a genuine guy would usually offer his phone number, recognising that a lady may not want to disclose hers at an early stage on security grounds. If the arrangement is always that the other person calls you, then that is a potential signal.
If the other person says that they can only be called on their mobile phone or that they don’t have a landline phone number then that could be another signal. In today’s age, there are people who genuinely do not have landline phone numbers, relying on mobile phones and Skype. So, you should be able to Skype them at home in the evening (though of course you cannot be absolutely sure that they are at home).
Tip #2 – Telephone Talk – Timing
Most working people cannot take personal calls at work, and that is fine. However, if you find that the other person is saying things like:
Tip #3 – Where do we Meet?
Most often, the first one or two dates are on neutral territory. After that, people will start travelling to each other’s areas or towns. If though, there is reluctance on the part of the other person to meet you on their territory, then this could be a signal that not all is as stated in their online dating profile.
Have they given you their home address? You can test this by saying ‘I’d like to see where you live’.
These are 3 great tips – don’t ignore them if you want to avoid disappointment! There are another 2 great tips in the Online Dating Guide.
In Conclusion
None of these tips are, on their own, absolute identifiers of less than honest people, and the best liars will always keep as close to the truth as possible. Watch for patterns though.
Of course, at the end of it all, there are people who are intensely protective of their privacy (and may themselves be very cautious). However, if you are detecting a few of the signals I have listed, then you would be right to be suspicious.
There is the always chance that the other genuine person, protecting their privacy, would consider some of your ‘test questions’ to be intrusive or prying. However, you can always plead ‘I’ve been hurt before and do not want to be hurt again’. Most people would understand this.
In spite of all this, most people are genuine, so enjoy your dating!
The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing 4 bonus chapters and much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.
© 2010 Phil Marks
Now, as in most things, there are people around who are less than honest and can be seen to be dating cheats. By ‘cheats’ I mean people who describe a false history about themselves, claim to be single when they are not, and so on. They have rehearsed their stories well and, like many cheats, can be very credible.
I have some great friends who I have met through online dating and their experiences, together with my own, have enabled me to put together these tips. Patterns emerge, and cheating individuals may become known in the dating community. The very best cheats though are very credible and can bluff the best of us. I have friends who have been ‘conned’ for many months by serial cheats.
OK, so what about the tips for spotting these characters?
None of these hold true in all cases, and of course you cannot easily tell if a genuinely single person is not interested in a long term relationship unless they say so (and assuming that is what you also want).
Tip #1 – Telephone Talk – Phone Numbers
You have gone past the initial exchange of emails and arrange to start talking on the phone. From a male perspective, a genuine guy would usually offer his phone number, recognising that a lady may not want to disclose hers at an early stage on security grounds. If the arrangement is always that the other person calls you, then that is a potential signal.
If the other person says that they can only be called on their mobile phone or that they don’t have a landline phone number then that could be another signal. In today’s age, there are people who genuinely do not have landline phone numbers, relying on mobile phones and Skype. So, you should be able to Skype them at home in the evening (though of course you cannot be absolutely sure that they are at home).
Tip #2 – Telephone Talk – Timing
Most working people cannot take personal calls at work, and that is fine. However, if you find that the other person is saying things like:
- Only call me on Tuesdays and Thursdays… or
- I can’t do evenings because mobile reception is bad at home (and don’t have a landline)…
- I’ll call you on Wednesday at 7pm…
Tip #3 – Where do we Meet?
Most often, the first one or two dates are on neutral territory. After that, people will start travelling to each other’s areas or towns. If though, there is reluctance on the part of the other person to meet you on their territory, then this could be a signal that not all is as stated in their online dating profile.
Have they given you their home address? You can test this by saying ‘I’d like to see where you live’.
These are 3 great tips – don’t ignore them if you want to avoid disappointment! There are another 2 great tips in the Online Dating Guide.
In Conclusion
None of these tips are, on their own, absolute identifiers of less than honest people, and the best liars will always keep as close to the truth as possible. Watch for patterns though.
Of course, at the end of it all, there are people who are intensely protective of their privacy (and may themselves be very cautious). However, if you are detecting a few of the signals I have listed, then you would be right to be suspicious.
There is the always chance that the other genuine person, protecting their privacy, would consider some of your ‘test questions’ to be intrusive or prying. However, you can always plead ‘I’ve been hurt before and do not want to be hurt again’. Most people would understand this.
In spite of all this, most people are genuine, so enjoy your dating!
The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing 4 bonus chapters and much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.
© 2010 Phil Marks
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Capricorn Man - NOT! A Cautionary Tale about Online Profiles.
This week's tale was sent to me by a dear lady sailing friend, and is a cautionary tale, and worth a read. Bear in mind though that not every man is like this - they are, I believe, the exception. Comments would be welcome, or post your own dating tale!
The Ups and Downs of Online Dating!
by Alicia Hunter
I have met some really genuine and lovely people over the couple of years that I have tried online dating. In fact one or two have actually become soul-mates of a kind, even if not life time lovers. There are many happy stories and the next one I write about will be one of those. However, there are some absolute rogues out there too. So please, everyone who finds themselves in the same position as me - whether male or female – do go very carefully. I wish you lots of luck! This one is about a man who I shall call 'M' in this true story.
Capricorn Man
A synopsis of M’s online profile runs like this –
“Fantastic Fun in Retirement”
Personality traits - Intelligent; Adventurous; Optimistic; Realistic; Loving; Independent; Happy; Confident; Trustworthy; Faithful
Valued qualities – Contentment; Friendliness; Self-control; Humour; Chemistry: Sexiness
Current Relationship – I am divorced
Honesty – Very
Star sign – Capricorn
This was “IT”! After months of trawling through fans and favourites, of online frustrations and foolish mistakes, I honestly believed that I had at last found the right mix for love and LTR. Here was chemistry at last and, despite the distance between home bases of more than 180 miles, M came to visit me frequently. I was not invited to his home and when he was there he could only speak to me from the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays or when he walked to the top of the hill behind his house for his mobile phone to pick up a signal. However in a very short time we were spending increasing amounts of time together.
We shared common interests, we walked, we sailed and M was the perfect gentleman. I introduced him to my friends and as his story unravelled I learned that his house was on the market for sale and he was hoping to move to Dorset (a county in England), a much closer location to his family and to me.
Coincidentally I had my house on the market at the same time and although I had clear ideas of what I wanted to do with the capital invested there, I was persuaded to join in the hunt for property in Dorset. The house hunting was fun and as I became caught up in what seemed to be the fresh flush of a new romance it was not long before we found something that fitted the bill. It was a lovely mill house with the river flowing below the living room floor. It had been divided into two and was currently being run as a successful Bread and Breakfast house. B and B was not new ground to me and while the home had the potential to be restored to its original single dwelling status, I could also see the business potential to help pay the inevitable mortgage.
Whether it was feminine intuition or just a feeling that this was all being driven too far too soon, I do admit to having the occasional sensation of cold feet. I had had my fingers burnt before and had decided that, as I explored new relationships, I did not want to give up a home base for myself. How come I was now being tempted into such a position with a man I had known for less than three months? To try and quell my doubts I looked at every argument from every angle and I concluded that, if this was true love, then I must not let old baggage hold me back ….. Amazingly both our houses were under offer with sales proceeding to exchange and completion in no time at all ….. What is meant to be will be I told myself as I fluctuated between excitement and fear. Naturally of course!
Then along came the next carrot to lead me deeper into the relationship – a holiday in the Canary Islands. Fantastic I thought, a touch of sun – just up my street. When shall we go? I was amazed when I was told the flights and apartment were already booked and we would be flying out next week. What fun!
This was someone who had included comments in his profile such as fantastic fun in retirement; open minded; give most things a go; keen to do more travelling; looking for someone prepared to try new activities and without commitments. It all seemed perfect. However, whenever we wrote or spoke about it there was always one subject that he managed to avoid “You say you are divorced, have you been on your own for long?”
The weekend before we were due to fly out to Tenerife, our offer had been accepted on the house in Dorset, we had dinner with a couple of my friends when M talked of his excitement at taking me jet-skiing in Tenerife, of taking the cable car up Mount Teide and simply enjoying the relaxation of his 5 star apartment together.
So, just three days to go and while we were having supper at my home one evening, the phone rang. It was his son and to put it mildly something quite significant ‘hit the fan’. There was a tirade of anger down the phone and M looked most alarmed. I tried not to listen but clearly something was very wrong.
I was amazed then to learn that M’s son was tearing him off a strip for having an affair with me while his devastated partner of over seven years was at home alone, packed and ready for her holiday in Tenerife! I was just amazed. I had not seen any of the warning signals and within minutes M was in his car heading home, not because I had thrown him out, but apparently because his conscience drove him and he was afraid of the disapproval of his own son. I later found that the holiday had always been booked in his partner’s name and not mine. He had played a very convincing game of deception and still to this day I wonder whether he would have gone ahead with the house purchase and the holiday if his son had not intervened.
Reading between the lines in the dating profile – adventurous and optimistic he may have been – but intelligent and realistic – in your dreams! As for trustworthy and faithful – I will let you judge for yourself. He was seeking a new partner without commitments and let’s just quickly check how honest he declares himself to have been in creating his online dating profile – it was “Very” honest. An interesting demonstration of honesty!
I am not normally one to take any interest in star signs but, during the email introductions in the early days of our relationship, M had indicated to me that he was a great believer in the characteristics of his star sign Capricorn. He had even scanned and forwarded a copy from a publication where he highlighted certain characteristics which he felt fitted his personality well. I wish I could remember them now. However there is one that has lingered and that is that his star sign is represented by the symbol of a “GOAT”.
In restrospect, I missed the warning signs:
- if it is the real thing then contact should not be by schedule (unless of course he or she is in the Armed Forces), after all, what happened to spontaneity?
- evading questions about marital status and recent relationship. Yes, a delicate balance here if you don't want to be seen as prying. However, you can always qualify that with 'I've been lied to in the past'.
Any person worth their salt should be upfront about these aspects. Good luck, and watch for the signals!
(c) Alicia Hunter 2010
The Ups and Downs of Online Dating!
by Alicia Hunter
I have met some really genuine and lovely people over the couple of years that I have tried online dating. In fact one or two have actually become soul-mates of a kind, even if not life time lovers. There are many happy stories and the next one I write about will be one of those. However, there are some absolute rogues out there too. So please, everyone who finds themselves in the same position as me - whether male or female – do go very carefully. I wish you lots of luck! This one is about a man who I shall call 'M' in this true story.
Capricorn Man
A synopsis of M’s online profile runs like this –
“Fantastic Fun in Retirement”
Personality traits - Intelligent; Adventurous; Optimistic; Realistic; Loving; Independent; Happy; Confident; Trustworthy; Faithful
Valued qualities – Contentment; Friendliness; Self-control; Humour; Chemistry: Sexiness
Current Relationship – I am divorced
Honesty – Very
Star sign – Capricorn
This was “IT”! After months of trawling through fans and favourites, of online frustrations and foolish mistakes, I honestly believed that I had at last found the right mix for love and LTR. Here was chemistry at last and, despite the distance between home bases of more than 180 miles, M came to visit me frequently. I was not invited to his home and when he was there he could only speak to me from the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays or when he walked to the top of the hill behind his house for his mobile phone to pick up a signal. However in a very short time we were spending increasing amounts of time together.
We shared common interests, we walked, we sailed and M was the perfect gentleman. I introduced him to my friends and as his story unravelled I learned that his house was on the market for sale and he was hoping to move to Dorset (a county in England), a much closer location to his family and to me.
Coincidentally I had my house on the market at the same time and although I had clear ideas of what I wanted to do with the capital invested there, I was persuaded to join in the hunt for property in Dorset. The house hunting was fun and as I became caught up in what seemed to be the fresh flush of a new romance it was not long before we found something that fitted the bill. It was a lovely mill house with the river flowing below the living room floor. It had been divided into two and was currently being run as a successful Bread and Breakfast house. B and B was not new ground to me and while the home had the potential to be restored to its original single dwelling status, I could also see the business potential to help pay the inevitable mortgage.
Whether it was feminine intuition or just a feeling that this was all being driven too far too soon, I do admit to having the occasional sensation of cold feet. I had had my fingers burnt before and had decided that, as I explored new relationships, I did not want to give up a home base for myself. How come I was now being tempted into such a position with a man I had known for less than three months? To try and quell my doubts I looked at every argument from every angle and I concluded that, if this was true love, then I must not let old baggage hold me back ….. Amazingly both our houses were under offer with sales proceeding to exchange and completion in no time at all ….. What is meant to be will be I told myself as I fluctuated between excitement and fear. Naturally of course!
Then along came the next carrot to lead me deeper into the relationship – a holiday in the Canary Islands. Fantastic I thought, a touch of sun – just up my street. When shall we go? I was amazed when I was told the flights and apartment were already booked and we would be flying out next week. What fun!
This was someone who had included comments in his profile such as fantastic fun in retirement; open minded; give most things a go; keen to do more travelling; looking for someone prepared to try new activities and without commitments. It all seemed perfect. However, whenever we wrote or spoke about it there was always one subject that he managed to avoid “You say you are divorced, have you been on your own for long?”
The weekend before we were due to fly out to Tenerife, our offer had been accepted on the house in Dorset, we had dinner with a couple of my friends when M talked of his excitement at taking me jet-skiing in Tenerife, of taking the cable car up Mount Teide and simply enjoying the relaxation of his 5 star apartment together.
So, just three days to go and while we were having supper at my home one evening, the phone rang. It was his son and to put it mildly something quite significant ‘hit the fan’. There was a tirade of anger down the phone and M looked most alarmed. I tried not to listen but clearly something was very wrong.
I was amazed then to learn that M’s son was tearing him off a strip for having an affair with me while his devastated partner of over seven years was at home alone, packed and ready for her holiday in Tenerife! I was just amazed. I had not seen any of the warning signals and within minutes M was in his car heading home, not because I had thrown him out, but apparently because his conscience drove him and he was afraid of the disapproval of his own son. I later found that the holiday had always been booked in his partner’s name and not mine. He had played a very convincing game of deception and still to this day I wonder whether he would have gone ahead with the house purchase and the holiday if his son had not intervened.
Reading between the lines in the dating profile – adventurous and optimistic he may have been – but intelligent and realistic – in your dreams! As for trustworthy and faithful – I will let you judge for yourself. He was seeking a new partner without commitments and let’s just quickly check how honest he declares himself to have been in creating his online dating profile – it was “Very” honest. An interesting demonstration of honesty!
I am not normally one to take any interest in star signs but, during the email introductions in the early days of our relationship, M had indicated to me that he was a great believer in the characteristics of his star sign Capricorn. He had even scanned and forwarded a copy from a publication where he highlighted certain characteristics which he felt fitted his personality well. I wish I could remember them now. However there is one that has lingered and that is that his star sign is represented by the symbol of a “GOAT”.
In restrospect, I missed the warning signs:
- if it is the real thing then contact should not be by schedule (unless of course he or she is in the Armed Forces), after all, what happened to spontaneity?
- evading questions about marital status and recent relationship. Yes, a delicate balance here if you don't want to be seen as prying. However, you can always qualify that with 'I've been lied to in the past'.
Any person worth their salt should be upfront about these aspects. Good luck, and watch for the signals!
(c) Alicia Hunter 2010
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Urgency and Distance
Many people will be comfortable with a few days or weeks of emailing back and forth, learning about one another leading to a phone call.
That reminds me - during an introductory phone call to a lady, as we were speaking, I thought “her laugh is going to get on my nerves”. We went out for a while, but after a battle trying to organise one another and her decision to emigrate to Australia, our brief time together came to an end. Small things, I did get used to her laugh.
Back to my point – many people don’t want to waste time. Many ladies are naturally cautious, others are gung ho and after a brief chat may suggest an early meeting. The older you get, then the quicker time seems to pass, and you become more aware of the fragility of life.
It's a problem if you live a long way apart, and a paradox of online dating that it removes distance, unless of course you have set a maximum distance in your profile. I did once meet someone from overseas, and we flew back and forth a few times. I eventually moved home to be with her, but it just didn't work out. So, perhaps better to meet with people who are nearer (say 50-100 mls maximum)which gives greater flexibility.
Lovesail havenplace blue-hound
That reminds me - during an introductory phone call to a lady, as we were speaking, I thought “her laugh is going to get on my nerves”. We went out for a while, but after a battle trying to organise one another and her decision to emigrate to Australia, our brief time together came to an end. Small things, I did get used to her laugh.
Back to my point – many people don’t want to waste time. Many ladies are naturally cautious, others are gung ho and after a brief chat may suggest an early meeting. The older you get, then the quicker time seems to pass, and you become more aware of the fragility of life.
It's a problem if you live a long way apart, and a paradox of online dating that it removes distance, unless of course you have set a maximum distance in your profile. I did once meet someone from overseas, and we flew back and forth a few times. I eventually moved home to be with her, but it just didn't work out. So, perhaps better to meet with people who are nearer (say 50-100 mls maximum)which gives greater flexibility.
Lovesail havenplace blue-hound
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Starting Out
I’m writing this as someone who has been dating online, on and off, for over 5 years now. I’m well on the wrong side of 50 years old, and since I started online dating, I’ve learned a lot about how it works and had some interesting adventures along the way. I’ve also met some great ladies, a few of whom remain close friends.
Prior to that I was fortunate in having a partner for 15 years who I do consider to have been a soulmate, although we met through a dating agency when it was all done by snail mail and not email! We’re still good friends too.
I guess that good 15 years has coloured my view somewhat, as I know what a great relationship can be, and therefore my expectations may be too high.
Anyway, if you are just starting out on the internet dating trail, then perhaps I can give you some guidance about the process. Specifically, this article is about decoding the online profile (from a male perspective as my feminine side not that strong), and conversely maybe some of the common mistakes you might avoid in your own profile. I can speak about this because my good lady friends have told me about some of their experiences and disappointments.
We start from the premise that you are an honest and straightforward person. If you are a ‘game player’ then this article is not really written for you – game playing is an approach I don’t understand and cannot therefore provide guidance on. I assume therefore that you are looking for more than a one-night stand.
Just an aside on that subject – one lady told me about going on a first date and during dinner the guy excused himself to go to the bathroom. He didn’t come back – he’d climbed out of the window! She was an attractive and pleasant lady in my eyes and she couldn’t understand what the problem could have been. So, if you are someone who can’t handle at least a couple of hours on a date and exit gracefully on good terms, then you perhaps need to consider how you would handle such a situation.
Prior to that I was fortunate in having a partner for 15 years who I do consider to have been a soulmate, although we met through a dating agency when it was all done by snail mail and not email! We’re still good friends too.
I guess that good 15 years has coloured my view somewhat, as I know what a great relationship can be, and therefore my expectations may be too high.
Anyway, if you are just starting out on the internet dating trail, then perhaps I can give you some guidance about the process. Specifically, this article is about decoding the online profile (from a male perspective as my feminine side not that strong), and conversely maybe some of the common mistakes you might avoid in your own profile. I can speak about this because my good lady friends have told me about some of their experiences and disappointments.
We start from the premise that you are an honest and straightforward person. If you are a ‘game player’ then this article is not really written for you – game playing is an approach I don’t understand and cannot therefore provide guidance on. I assume therefore that you are looking for more than a one-night stand.
Just an aside on that subject – one lady told me about going on a first date and during dinner the guy excused himself to go to the bathroom. He didn’t come back – he’d climbed out of the window! She was an attractive and pleasant lady in my eyes and she couldn’t understand what the problem could have been. So, if you are someone who can’t handle at least a couple of hours on a date and exit gracefully on good terms, then you perhaps need to consider how you would handle such a situation.
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