eHarmony - What You Should Know

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Joining
To join eHarmony is quite a challenge. There is a questionnaire to start with, and you do not know how much the subscription is until you have completed the questionnaire (though there are researchers who have set up trial memberships to find out, and published their findings on the web).

What may be a concern though is that with eHarmony's questionnaires concerning lifestyle and income level before you know the subscription level, they may well set a particular individual's subscription level based on the answers given. Without transparency, how can anyone tell? Other sites, such as MyMatchMature or DatingDirect are quite upfront about subscription levels.

Questionnaire
Well, what about the joining process? With most sites this is relatively straightforward and speedy - MyMatchMature has two steps and you can enter as much detail as you want. No doubt eHarmony would say that several hundred mandatory questions about likes/dislikes/ personality type and so on will improve the match and their success rates, with a benefit to their subscribers, and that is fair enough.

I ploughed through the process (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) and was then told that there were no suitable matches. Of course, the several hundred personality type test questions may well have identified me as a poor prospect (and the techniques are such that false answers can be identified) or a lurker. If the matching is so specific, then serendipity is removed, and I think that there has to be some serendipity in the online dating process.

Then, there is eHarmony's killer question at the end - 'Have you used an online dating agency before'? Generously, I would say that this is purely for market research, though a cynic might say that eHarmony's approach is so radically different that potential customers who have used other sites may have issues with the customer experience (which I cannot comment on as eHarmony was 'unable to provide you with a service').

Matching Approach
eHarmony's matching approach is based on extensive psychological research, the profiling techniques used are based on those which are in widespread use in the professional and commercial world, and the founder of the business has great expertise in that area. But, it is quite a different approach to the matching process used by other agencies. eHarmony offer you matches based on your personality profile and interests. Their approach is based on extensive data analysis of married couples using regression analysis (a technique to measure linkage of features to results). This is a proven and widely accepted analytical method.

Personal Data
Finally, having failed to be accepted as a subscriber, I am very glad that I did not complete the personality inventory questions with complete truthfulness, otherwise my personality profile would be onfile in eHarmony's database. At the end of the process eHarmony does offer a printout of the personality findings, but the actual button to obtain it was not offered on my screen.

Features
The features offered by eHarmony (as far as external research has been able to determine) do not appear to be any different (and perhaps even less in scope) than other sites such as MyMatchMature offers. Some features, for example, Starsign compatibility, are important to some people (that is, they can use this to search for members). This does not appear to be a feature of eHarmony's site, and obviously it is their right to define their service offering. You cannot search for matches, they are sent to you.

Limitations
So, they claim that they are able to predict with great accuracy the best matches for people. Of course, this data relates to heterosexual couples, and so eHarmony does not offer its services to people looking for partners of the same sex. This has been subject to successful legal challenge in the US.

Local Version
eHarmony has been heavily promoted in the UK, and intriguingly claims on its site that it has been "Scientifically adapted for the UK in collaboration with the Oxford Internet Institute at the University of Oxford". I do not know if that means that the analytical method has been changed. The Oxford Internet Institute is 'devoted to the impact of the Internet on society'.

It would be reasonable to expect that in a given country, the matching process should be based on data from that country, so it is unclear whether the matching in the UK (or Canada, Australia and so on) is based on research data from those respective countries. If it is not, then that would call into question the 'success' of the matching process (unless of course there is proof that the US model applies elsewhere).

In Conclusion
So, all in all, if you are looking for a heterosexual partner, have the stamina to wade through the questionnaire and are prepared to put your full personality inventory into their database, without knowing the cost in advance, then give it a try. They are undoubtedly successful and ranked number 3 on one listing I saw. I do know, with direct experience, that the more normal agencies work well also for many people.

Good luck!

© 2010 Phil Marks

5 Tips for Spotting Online Dating Cheats

There is no question that with the availability of online dating, the amount of dating has increased way beyond what was usual in earlier days. Distances are shortened and the sheer range of potential partners is there before your eyes. So, people meet more potential partners before settling.

Now, as in most things, there are people around who are less than honest and can be seen to be dating cheats. By ‘cheats’ I mean people who describe a false history about themselves, claim to be single when they are not, and so on. They have rehearsed their stories well and, like many cheats, can be very credible.

I have some great friends who I have met through online dating and their experiences, together with my own, have enabled me to put together these tips. Patterns emerge, and cheating individuals may become known in the dating community. The very best cheats though are very credible and can bluff the best of us. I have friends who have been ‘conned’ for many months by serial cheats.

OK, so what about the tips for spotting these characters?

None of these hold true in all cases, and of course you cannot easily tell if a genuinely single person is not interested in a long term relationship unless they say so (and assuming that is what you also want).

Tip #1 – Telephone Talk – Phone Numbers

You have gone past the initial exchange of emails and arrange to start talking on the phone. From a male perspective, a genuine guy would usually offer his phone number, recognising that a lady may not want to disclose hers at an early stage on security grounds. If the arrangement is always that the other person calls you, then that is a potential signal.

If the other person says that they can only be called on their mobile phone or that they don’t have a landline phone number then that could be another signal. In today’s age, there are people who genuinely do not have landline phone numbers, relying on mobile phones and Skype. So, you should be able to Skype them at home in the evening (though of course you cannot be absolutely sure that they are at home).

Tip #2 – Telephone Talk – Timing

Most working people cannot take personal calls at work, and that is fine. However, if you find that the other person is saying things like:

• Only call me on Tuesdays and Thursdays… or
• I can’t do evenings because mobile reception is bad at home (and don’t have a landline)…
• I’ll call you on Wednesday at 7pm…

..then these are also signals of potential dishonesty.

Tip #3 – Where do we Meet?

Most often, the first one or two dates are on neutral territory. After that, people will start travelling to each other’s areas or towns. If though, there is reluctance on the part of the other person to meet you on their territory, then this could be a signal that not all is as stated in their online dating profile.

Have they given you their home address? You can test this by saying ‘I’d like to see where you live’.

These are 3 great tips – don’t ignore them if you want to avoid disappointment! There are another 2 great tips in the Online Dating Guide.

In Conclusion

None of these tips are, on their own, absolute identifiers of less than honest people, and the best liars will always keep as close to the truth as possible. Watch for patterns though.

Of course, at the end of it all, there are people who are intensely protective of their privacy (and may themselves be very cautious). However, if you are detecting a few of the signals I have listed, then you would be right to be suspicious.

There is the always chance that the other genuine person, protecting their privacy, would consider some of your ‘test questions’ to be intrusive or prying. However, you can always plead ‘I’ve been hurt before and do not want to be hurt again’. Most people would understand this.

In spite of all this, most people are genuine, so enjoy your dating!

The Online Dating Guide is unique, containing 4 bonus chapters and much distilled experience from years of online dating by Phil and his friends.

© 2010 Phil Marks

Capricorn Man - NOT! A Cautionary Tale about Online Profiles.

This week's tale was sent to me by a dear lady sailing friend, and is a cautionary tale, and worth a read. Bear in mind though that not every man is like this - they are, I believe, the exception. Comments would be welcome, or post your own dating tale!

The Ups and Downs of Online Dating!

by Alicia Hunter

I have met some really genuine and lovely people over the couple of years that I have tried online dating. In fact one or two have actually become soul-mates of a kind, even if not life time lovers. There are many happy stories and the next one I write about will be one of those. However, there are some absolute rogues out there too. So please, everyone who finds themselves in the same position as me - whether male or female – do go very carefully. I wish you lots of luck! This one is about a man who I shall call 'M' in this true story.

Capricorn Man

A synopsis of M’s online profile runs like this –

“Fantastic Fun in Retirement”
Personality traits - Intelligent; Adventurous; Optimistic; Realistic; Loving; Independent; Happy; Confident; Trustworthy; Faithful
Valued qualities – Contentment; Friendliness; Self-control; Humour; Chemistry: Sexiness
Current Relationship – I am divorced
Honesty – Very
Star sign – Capricorn

This was “IT”! After months of trawling through fans and favourites, of online frustrations and foolish mistakes, I honestly believed that I had at last found the right mix for love and LTR. Here was chemistry at last and, despite the distance between home bases of more than 180 miles, M came to visit me frequently. I was not invited to his home and when he was there he could only speak to me from the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays or when he walked to the top of the hill behind his house for his mobile phone to pick up a signal. However in a very short time we were spending increasing amounts of time together.

We shared common interests, we walked, we sailed and M was the perfect gentleman. I introduced him to my friends and as his story unravelled I learned that his house was on the market for sale and he was hoping to move to Dorset (a county in England), a much closer location to his family and to me.

Coincidentally I had my house on the market at the same time and although I had clear ideas of what I wanted to do with the capital invested there, I was persuaded to join in the hunt for property in Dorset. The house hunting was fun and as I became caught up in what seemed to be the fresh flush of a new romance it was not long before we found something that fitted the bill. It was a lovely mill house with the river flowing below the living room floor. It had been divided into two and was currently being run as a successful Bread and Breakfast house. B and B was not new ground to me and while the home had the potential to be restored to its original single dwelling status, I could also see the business potential to help pay the inevitable mortgage.

Whether it was feminine intuition or just a feeling that this was all being driven too far too soon, I do admit to having the occasional sensation of cold feet. I had had my fingers burnt before and had decided that, as I explored new relationships, I did not want to give up a home base for myself. How come I was now being tempted into such a position with a man I had known for less than three months? To try and quell my doubts I looked at every argument from every angle and I concluded that, if this was true love, then I must not let old baggage hold me back ….. Amazingly both our houses were under offer with sales proceeding to exchange and completion in no time at all ….. What is meant to be will be I told myself as I fluctuated between excitement and fear. Naturally of course!

Then along came the next carrot to lead me deeper into the relationship – a holiday in the Canary Islands. Fantastic I thought, a touch of sun – just up my street. When shall we go? I was amazed when I was told the flights and apartment were already booked and we would be flying out next week. What fun!

This was someone who had included comments in his profile such as fantastic fun in retirement; open minded; give most things a go; keen to do more travelling; looking for someone prepared to try new activities and without commitments. It all seemed perfect. However, whenever we wrote or spoke about it there was always one subject that he managed to avoid “You say you are divorced, have you been on your own for long?”

The weekend before we were due to fly out to Tenerife, our offer had been accepted on the house in Dorset, we had dinner with a couple of my friends when M talked of his excitement at taking me jet-skiing in Tenerife, of taking the cable car up Mount Teide and simply enjoying the relaxation of his 5 star apartment together.

So, just three days to go and while we were having supper at my home one evening, the phone rang. It was his son and to put it mildly something quite significant ‘hit the fan’. There was a tirade of anger down the phone and M looked most alarmed. I tried not to listen but clearly something was very wrong.

I was amazed then to learn that M’s son was tearing him off a strip for having an affair with me while his devastated partner of over seven years was at home alone, packed and ready for her holiday in Tenerife! I was just amazed. I had not seen any of the warning signals and within minutes M was in his car heading home, not because I had thrown him out, but apparently because his conscience drove him and he was afraid of the disapproval of his own son. I later found that the holiday had always been booked in his partner’s name and not mine. He had played a very convincing game of deception and still to this day I wonder whether he would have gone ahead with the house purchase and the holiday if his son had not intervened.

Reading between the lines in the dating profile – adventurous and optimistic he may have been – but intelligent and realistic – in your dreams! As for trustworthy and faithful – I will let you judge for yourself. He was seeking a new partner without commitments and let’s just quickly check how honest he declares himself to have been in creating his online dating profile – it was “Very” honest. An interesting demonstration of honesty!

I am not normally one to take any interest in star signs but, during the email introductions in the early days of our relationship, M had indicated to me that he was a great believer in the characteristics of his star sign Capricorn. He had even scanned and forwarded a copy from a publication where he highlighted certain characteristics which he felt fitted his personality well. I wish I could remember them now. However there is one that has lingered and that is that his star sign is represented by the symbol of a “GOAT”.

In restrospect, I missed the warning signs:
- if it is the real thing then contact should not be by schedule (unless of course he or she is in the Armed Forces), after all, what happened to spontaneity?
- evading questions about marital status and recent relationship. Yes, a delicate balance here if you don't want to be seen as prying. However, you can always qualify that with 'I've been lied to in the past'.

Any person worth their salt should be upfront about these aspects. Good luck, and watch for the signals!

(c) Alicia Hunter 2010

What Dating Sites?

I've been writing for weeks about online profiles, so this week I thought I would have change and write about some online sites.

If you are choosing a site then the basic categories are:

General
Specialised
Adult

There are both Free and Subscription-only sites in all these categories. Most of the subscription-only sites have free offers at some times of the year (and most often for females). Many, if not most, of the free sites offer some sort of premium service which costs money. So, in general it is more about marketing.

Generally, most sites cater for all adult orientations, and some for group orientations or specialised - eg 'married, but want a fling' requirements. These are not necessarily classified as 'Adult Sites'.

General Sites
These cater for the general population, they have relative higher numbers of members and the most sophisticated interfaces

Specialised Sites
These are typically for theatre, music (including band lovers), various sports (sailing for me) - but also golf, horses and so on. Plenty of variety here, but obviously the 'choice' is more limited. Also, sites which are event based and travel based.

Adult Sites
Catering for all tastes, I'll say no more. I have no experience of these to contribute, other than free browsing. It takes all sorts.


User Interface
Some are much easier to navigate than others, and poor navigation can be frustrating in the early days of membership. The investment required to fill in a profile can be considerable (both time and emotion) if you are new to it and want to present yourself in the best light.

Check the earlier posts in this blog of you want some guidance on filling in a profile.

So, think what you want out of a dating site and look at several before you pay. I definitely recommend the paid sites - paying demonstrates that you are serious about the exercise, and you know that the other person is too.

Turn-ons and Turn-offs

For me, these are fascinating topics. It’s probably ok if something which you like – e.g. skinny dipping – does not appear under the ‘Turn Ons’ heading, as long as it does not appear under the ‘Turn Offs’ heading. However, some ladies have low self esteem in regard of body shape (in many cases without justification). And I have been told that the same applies to men...

Tattoos frequently appear under the ladies’ ‘Turn Offs’ heading, so if you have tattoos then you will need to work out a way of handling that in your profile or narrative. There are obvious issues about location and ex-girlfriends names, but generally honesty is the best policy. After all, when you were a young rating in the Navy, everyone had them done. That was a long time ago, you’ve grown up since then and when you’ve got some spare cash then you are planning to have them removed. Well, it’s true isn’t it (or at least the last part is)? If though, tattoos are a serious interest as body art for you, then you are probably seeking a dating site with that orientation.

Tattoos are increasingly visible on ladies, as are piercings. Piercings are not at unusal on men either, though there's only one I'd have done and that would be for rounding Cape Horn - a gold earring on the ear which was nearest the Horn on rounding. One day maybe! Depending which way round I went though, it could be incorrectly indicative of my sexual orientation. I'll have to think about. Maybe one on each ear to confuse the issue!

Many ladies have ‘showing affection in public’ as a ‘Turn On’ in their profile. This could be an issue for some men, so you’ll need to consider this if it’s a difficulty for you. A few ladies don’t mention it, and I’ve only known one for whom it was a ‘Turn Off’. It turned out that this lady suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome, and she hadn’t connected the two facts until I suggested it to her.

Some ladies are confident enough to list ‘Erotica’ as a ‘Turn On’. I avoid it in my own profile as I think it could be seen in a negative light. I leave it as an item to be explored later.

Wealth and Power appear about 50/50 as ‘Turn Offs’ and ‘Turn Ons’ in my experience of female profiles. I do know that there are guys who misrepresent their financial status, but like everything else in a profile, the truth will out eventually.

(c) 2009-10 Phil Marks

Alcohol and Drinking

This is a challenging area. Alcohol leads to so many problems - physical and mental health, violence, relationship issues and so on. That said, I like a drink myself, and I know it makes me more argumentative.

As to online dating profiles, then if the profile says ‘never’, then it can mean usually one of three things:

- a religious issue or belief
- a reforming alcoholic
- a spouse, lover or very close relative has been an alcoholic
- just at Christmas, or, really, never
- a complete lie

OK, I know that's five!

I did once meet someone who was on her third marriage. Two former husbands had died of alcoholism and the third (separated) was also an alcoholic. I think you’ll have guessed by now that she was a reformed alcoholic and she had not had a drink for many years.

If you are an alcoholic, then admit it (to yourself first, that's the most important). It’s not fair to imprint your own challenge onto somebody else without being upfront about it. Of course, if you’ve answered ‘yes’ to that question of mine, then you are at least half way to dealing with it.

A dear friend recently told me a story about a guy having a first date with a lady – she’d brought her two young children along to the beach where they met. Then the man suggested that they get the children some ice cream. He had no change so gave the lady a £20 note. She left the children with him and went to get the ice creams. Some time later when she had not returned, he said to the children that he wondered why the mother was taking so long. They said “she’s probably in the pub”. They eventually found her, she’d drunk the £20, and was in no fit state to look after the children. This was a first date. What should he have done? Well, he called the police because he didn’t think he should be responsible for the children, who obviously knew that their mother had a problem. First date, phew! at least he found out early.

It’s a tough issue to deal with. On the other hand, I did enjoy ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ – Nicolas Cage made up his mind how he was going to go, and just went ahead and did it!

I guess that this means that if someone said in their profile that they drink frequently, then that can mean that they are just a frequent drinker, borderline alcoholic or over it? I drink 3-4 bottles of wine a week (no other alcohol) unless I'm sailing (less, less!). I don't drink every day either. So, I would describe myself as a frequent drinker, but not alcoholic.

In conclusion though, if you start with deception then it's hard to break it and own up, so don't go down that road.

Deception? That reminds me of someone I met and was quite keen on. She said she was an experienced sailor. After a few meetings she owned up and said that she wanted to learn to sail. I could just about handle the fact that she was a psychiatrist (not that I've got anything against them, it's just the thought of being under the mental microscope all the time that what? - made me feel uneasy I guess), but I couldn't handle the fact that she had deceived me in her profile. Credit for owning up, but the damage was done - an experienced sailor was (and is) important to me. As I said way way back in this blog, deception is not unusual in profiles. I wonder how much that is a reflection of life?

Despite all that, alocohol is a great relaxant, and if you are just getting to know someone then it helps lower the barriers, physical and mental.

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